collection begun 1989
served 10 dollops at at time

The enemy of my enemy is merely my enemy's enemy, not my friend.

Relationship-speak translation: "I think we should see other people" really means "Ha, ha, I already am!" -- quoted by j.

"Everything I know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains"

65% of all Americans believe that frozen pizza will never be any good and there's nothing science can do about it. -- TV Nation Poll

It's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. -- George Carlin

"I would rather have tiny oculariums to hinder my glance, than a transorbital lobotomy from the tip of a lance." -- Federico Serna

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

You know your sex life has gotten totally pathetic when your wet dreams are about masturbation.

Could God microwave a burrito so hot that even he could not eat it?